HER/ELVIS, episode 1

ELVIS (singing): "True love, true love--"
HER: Dude, that's kind of boring.

BABY/ME, Episode 1

ME (singing): "When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me / Speaking words of wisdom--"
BABY: Arruh!

Fuck You, Dictionary

man·u·mis·sion   [man-yuh-mish-uhn]
noun
the act of manumitting.

Thank you very much, Dictionary.com.

[Editor's note: To be fair, the site does list other definitions. But this was the first and foremost.]

HER/ME, episode 4

Follow-up to a conversation in which SHE pointed out that I always offer her some of my food before I have it, even if I know she won't like it.

(I go into the kitchen to make a sandwich.)
HER: What are you making?
ME: Nutella-Peanut Butter Sandwich.
HER: I thought so.
ME: You want some?
HER: No.
ME: I didn't think so.
ME (exiting the kitchen, sandwich and plate in hand): You do know that part of the reason I tend offer you food first is--
HER: The wife tax?
ME: Right.
HER: But it's no fun unless I take it from the middle. After you've marked it as yours.
ME (munch munch munch): And how do I mark it as mine? Pee on it?
HER: No, you eat some of it. (And then...) See, that sandwich wasn't at all appealing until you had taken a couple of bites from it.

HER/ME, episode 3

HER: Turn over, your back needs to crack.
ME: It does?
HER: Yes. It told me so.
[Several attempts later]
HER: It's not working.
ME: I don't think it needs to crack, dear.
[And then one good push]
MY BACK: -pop-
HER: I win!

HER/ME, episode 2

HER: Okay, so here's a question...
[Time passes.]
ME: I'm waiting.
HER: ...to myself.

HER/ME, episode 1

HER: Do you have a pen handy?
ME: No, but I can type things.
[I glance to my left.]
ME: Here's a pen!